dailies

1. Recently the number of followers on my Tumblr increases faster than the number of my posts =| I don't even write much... =|

2. I had a VERY happy birthday :) arguably the happiest one ever, and this is no exaggeration (I have thought very carefully about all the past birthdays to be able to say this confidently).

I wonder why there are so many people who are so nice to me. Really. It surprises me.

Thank you, for the wishes, messages, SMSes, FB posts, emails...
Thank you, for the 'mini' celebration for me with the brownie (i loveee you all!!! The brownie was really good btw :P XD I'm so touched)

And thank You :) for making my days.

3. Where have you been these days? maybe you still owe me a bday wish? It's nothing too much right?

4. I like how I get to see the best sides of you. And the worst.

I love them all.

I don't want to waste my life in waiting, you see

We have just posted out your eBay item and you should be receiving it shortly.
UK customers typically receive their purchase within 1-2 working days. International delivery times vary according to location, but a good average is 5-7 days.

Oh. So. 5-7 days.

For once in my life, I suddenly wish I were staying in UK.

Am I too easily agitated or what?

Sincerity

When you say something to anyone, mean it.

May the other person feel you.

Self-centered

And where did people get that impression? That I'm a good writer?

Maybe they didn't know how much I struggle with writing throughout my school years. My performance was really unstable, so much that it surprised my teachers. I could excel at one time, and fail below average right the next time.

It only got worse once I entered the university. All the essays, assignments, project reports were some form of torturing in disguise to me. It didn't help that I was majoring in CNM. Imagine all the press releases, reports, news articles I had to write. Such a nightmare. I never scored well for writing modules.

How come people still think that I'm good at writing?

I don't know what to write.

I only write when I feel the need, the urge, when I really feel strongly about something. When there are thoughts and feelings needing to let out. Words then will find me, I only have to rearrange them a little bit.

My writings, therefore, are all about me. Those that move me deeply. Those that make me think, those that make me feel. You cannot force me to write about something I don't have any feelings about, because I cannot force myself anyway.

I'm such an amateur. A self-centered one.

Still think I'm good at writing? Think again.

haiz

sorry.

1. (Picture: found here)

Isn't it?

I don't think being strong is a choice. I don't think it's so fun to be strong all the time. But sometimes you don't get to choose.

2. What does "things happen for a reason" really mean?

To me, it means that things happen so that you could wake up, do something about it, make use of the disadvantages and turn the situation around into something good for you.

And that's the reason things happened. So that you would have to do something.

Easier said than done, I know. But again, sometimes you have no choice. That's how we all grow.

3.

- Be a friend, be supportive ok?
- uh ok.

I'm sorry. Sorry for a lot of things. I didn't understand you as well as I thought, as well as I'm supposed to.

Once you've realized what you really want, you know I'll help.

Again, I'm sorry I failed you. Sorry I couldn't do what you did for me. But I'll try, ok?

=|

when even writing cannot keep me awake

1. I know I really cannot stand it anymore. The pain kept me awake almost the whole night, which made me coming to work in a semi conscious status.

2. Schneider Base. I desperately want to know if it's up to what ppl said. Let's just wait for the pen meetup coming up next weekend, if no one can sell it back, I guess the last resort is to order it online. With all the reviews about its exceptional smooth performance, it should be a good pen for everyday writing, especially when it's just ~20USD @__@ Ha, then I can start to play around with ink, yay!

I start to talk like a pen geek XD

3. Let's just take it easy. Step by step, everything will sort it out. Just believe so, things will follow.

This reminder comes just when I need it. Thanks.

i love secrets.

I take pleasure in seeing things that people cannot see, in finding things that people cannot find. Subtle hidden gems, little beautiful secrets that would take you some time and effort to be able to appreciate.

They might not understand, they might not see your light. But don't worry, I do.

Not all kind of beauty is loud and out, don't you think?

okay. I'm trying my best to find the courage.

Let me for once confess this:

"I'm very lost."

This feeling just... beleaguers me. I can't bear it.

That's the best I can say. I'm only brave enough to say this much.

Just for your information, if you ever wonder how I am doing.

Some pens are for writing

It is deeply disturbing to me to realize how difficult it is to find ink for fountain pens.

The Harris bookstore at Jurong Point is not that small. They have the whole shelf of expensive branded fountain pens from Parker, Lamy, Cross...

But not ink. No cartridge. No bottle. Not a single one.

Why so?

What's the point of selling fountain pens, when you don't sell ink? And what's the point of owning a fountain pen when you don't have ink to use with it?

Pens are supposed to be used for writing, not for decorating, aren't they? Not for showing, aren't they?

Uh oh, just one more cartridge to go. I will have to save it =(

Wasted a whole evening at Jurong Point for nothing. The place is freaking big and I kept getting lost. T_T

9 crimes - Damien Rice

I just want to lie down on a meadow, letting every drop of this sad melody fill me up. Eventually the rain would come and wash my world away.

The thunders from afar sound like a dream...

i'm kinda scared

Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life.
Donald Miller

We let fear influence our decisions much more than we dare to admit. I'm kinda disappointed at myself. Do you feel the same if you know I'm not so brave? Not so strong? If you know I'm just another coward?

Will I ever feel passionate about anything at all?

I suppose I do have one unembarrassed passion. I want to know what it feels like to care about something passionately. (Adaptation - 2002)

I do want to know. How does it feel?

There are too many ideas and things and people. Too many directions to go. I was starting to believe the reason it matters to care passionately about something, is that it whittles the world down to a more manageable size. (Adaptation -2002)

"A more manageable size"

A more focused world.

A direction.

Not everyone is so lucky. I envy you...

I'm so lost. In the middle of things. When did I start to feel this way?

Life passes me by

Tons of Facebook updates and notifications from friends. Piled up new items on Google Readers. Hundreds of new posts from Tumblr (jeez, and I do want to read them all). A scary mess of unread emails.

It was just several days, for God's sake.

Life passes me by, in a terrifying speed. I can almost hear the whiz when it zips by my ear. As if I were standing against hundreds of winds, while they are moving swiftly around me and away, leaving me here standing still.

So scary I wanted to close my eyes and refuse to look at anything.

Maybe I hate this feeling.

Rain :|

I'm pretty sure that there must be some kind of reactions between rain and me, more specifically my mood =|

Especially when I just stepped out of that lift and in front of me was the whole rainy sky and coincidentally my mp3 player started playing some Damien Rice's sad melody.

Oh. My.
What kind of combination is that?

I swear sth must have happened. Something has moved inside me. Immediately, right that moment, the world left me, swiftly. As if i fell into a sad movie, and that was my soundtrack.
As if I were pulled into another strange dreamy world, wrapped inside it, swimming, floating.

As soon as the song stopped, and the noises of people reached me, I was back to the real world. Everything was back to normal, and no one seem to knew about my absence from this world, just now.


*haiz, now I only want to stay here inside the office =| I have no wish to go anywhere =|

Bleh. Emotional weather.

eeee =|

I'm really not good at multi-tasking.

Like how I'm feeling so confused right now in the midst of everything. Nothing is that overwhelming, honestly, but a whole bunch of little small things really make me feel like falling into a chaotic mess.

Just solve them one by one I guess.

This is just an insignificant complain. My Life has been too smooth recently =P

Something about trust.

Once upon a time, I was broken badly. And I thought I could never completely trust anyone again. I thought it's irrational. I thought it would be stupid to do so. I thought so, and there were people who told me so.

Turns out, after 2 years, I'm doing exactly the same thing. Trusting someone wholeheartedly.

Might be the same thing on the surface, but actually it's different. At least to me.

The difference is, the first time, I didn't know about the risk. I was naive, I was clueless, totally unaware of the cost, the pain, the price I would have to pay once my trust get shattered. That's why I wasn't scared. Because I didn't know, that I'm supposed to be scared.

This time, I know. I know perfectly well what would happen if I get broken again. But I still do it. I consciously take the risk.

So, to me, trust is not simply following someone without any idea where you are heading to. It's even more than that. It's about knowing exactly that you are about to throw yourself off that cliff, yet still doing it, believing that someone will catch you.

And even if for some reason the person is not able to catch me, well, I know it's the choice I made.
And I realize what trust is about. You make a choice to trust, and you are the only one who's responsible for its consequence, whatever it is.