:P been elsewhere

1. Someone is getting more and more shameless these days :|

And, stop bullying me :|

2. On the other hand, I guess I'm becoming less shameless? :-s

There were times that I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to bury my face into a pillow.

(preferably a cool one. Like those pillows in Cameron Highlands)

3.

A realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist.

- Hitch (2005)

I'm more like "a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an idealist/a dreamer/ or simply, a hopeless romantic"

Sigh. Shame on me, right? I know, not like I want it. Idealist is just a way to sugarcoat it. Realize that no matter what, I'm still a hopeless romantic at heart, all the time. But a rather self-conscious one, I guess.

But still, I'm better than Lud =))

Lud: if you are a hopeless romantic, then what am I?

Rim: A hopeless romantic, then 50 feet of crap, then you =))

4. Explanation for the title?

Been busy writing somewhere else, for the sake of cheesy stuffs :P

Some dreams are to let go.

Of course we all want a home, but don't we love travelling? We all want a dearly familiar place where we belong to, but don't we also long for trips to those gorgeous beaches, those beautiful cities and wish that we could live there forever?

We all will have to go home, eventually. No matter how long the trip is.

But those far away places that we used to come and see and leave, won't it become some beautiful bittersweet piece of memory that we will never forget? Like those dreams that we have to forgo?

And if we are unlucky enough to fall in love with the place, we may forever live with that haunting question mark in our mind:

"What if...?"

(post from a talk with Linh :">)

my weekend in short

1. Been lazy to sit down and write proper long blog posts. Thoughts are as light as feathers, as fast as flashing lights, flying around, and difficult to catch.

Checking out tumblr. Quite a nice place for shorter one-liner kind of posts, pictures and quotes.

2. Still remember how I was sooooo scared when you said you would have to "dash my hope" =,= How could I know? I couldn't remember what I "hoped", obviously.

3. It's good to see things clearer.

But, I'm a weird person, implicitly weird, secretly weird :| Maybe you thought that you know how weird I am, but I'm not so sure :|

But I'll try to work on that? :-s

4. Just like how I'll work on my habit of keeping things to myself.

It's gonna take some time, I guess. But please understand this, although maybe I'll still try to stay independent, I'm grateful for those who are willing to be there. I know I will always have someone to rely on, some place to fall back on, somewhere to turn to, when I'm unable to hold myself.

"Sometimes, it is not meant to be understood, but to be accepted"

Thanks for accepting me. And supporting me.

5. Somehow, something in the world has changed. But I don't really know what it is, and I don't really know what it means.

Future is unclear. And there's sth I have to figure out.

6. You will know my birthday when it comes :)) :P don't have to bother with it ok?

7. Sorry xuki. Didn't see you for quite some time... :|

Let's have lunch ok?

8. Went out with my cute cousin :] and was too full with sushi :">

9. My room mate added "Eyes on me" to her current playlist :|

10. Sometimes even the most obvious thing needs to be said out loud.

Independence

Enough said

(Picture taken from here: http://thresca.tumblr.com/post/615254065)

Ngoan

I put you on the shelf.
I brought you to the only window in my office, so that you can get some sunlight. I think you like sunlight, just like me.

Uhm.
I'm not very confident.
But I'll try to keep you as long as possible.

Please don't leave me, will ya?

the ocean inside

1.
2. Today when I woke up, I saw the new day's sunlight in the perfect shade of peachy pink.

Try to imagine how beautiful it was, though I don't think you can anyway.

3. I changed my blog description to "The vast ocean inside the little Rim". I've always thought everyone is a complicated world that the others can never hope to fully understand. I don't think even I can fully understand myself.

People are strange. Weird. Mysterious. Deep.

But beautiful.

4. Sometimes it's enough to have one person to remember when everyone else forget about you.

Thanks.

Yet another quote :P

"A mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and in all things, and who walks humbly and deals charitably with the circumstances of life, knowing that in this world no one is all knowing and therefore all of us need both love and charity."

- Eleanor Roosevelt -

Basically it's about being understanding and open minded.

I know this kind of things is hard to define, and this is not absolutely true. Each of you will have different definition of "being mature", but personally I like this one :)

A quote

"All any of us wanted, really, was to know that we counted. That someone else's life would not have been as rich without us here."
— Jodi Picoult (Handle with Care)

Maybe it's not so extreme as "all any of us wanted". But I'm glad that my presence made a difference in some people's life.

(although erm, looking back, I'm unable to see why and how :| I didn't really do anything much practically :| but let's just believe so?)

my broken smile.

I'm fine now. Not too good, but fine.

I guess I just got bored with being emo. Bored.

The hell with that. The hell with all the uncertainties and sense of belonging and loneliness and all those superficial touchy-feely stuffs.

Other people around me are going through their personal hells all alone. I'm just one of them. I'm just a statistic. And I don't bother to be sth else. I cannot be any different anw.

I don't necessarily have to be sad.

Biting the bullet has become a habit. Again, I had to be the one that told myself "Everything is gonna be fine". Maybe it's not going to be great, nor fantastic, nor wonderful, but fine enough. You can say it's self deceiving, I call it self sufficient. Just wonder whether it would lead to "internal injuries"?
Just wonder why can't I allow myself to be weak?
Maybe I'm not brave enough.

"You need to be strong to stand alone. But sometimes you need to be brave to lean on others"

Or maybe I don't want anyone to have to carry the weight of my own emotions.

My smile is broken. It's not perfect. But nothing is perfect, isnt it?

Suddenly want to go somewhere, just to get away for a moment...

Super tired today.

Have a good day, everyone.

I guess I cannot hide.

You reminded me of my greatest fear, sth that I have to face alone. Sth that I've been running away from, and tried not to look at it. But I know that it's always been there. All the time.

It's also sth that, more than anything, more than ever, made me realize this one obvious painful fact of my life: I have always been alone. There's no way to sugarcoat it. No matter what, there won't be anyone. Not anyone. I have to be in this all alone. All alone. And to tell the truth, I'm not that brave, I'm not that wise, I'm not that mature. I get scared.

It hurt me to no end. I feel like I'm drowning.

Or,I feel like I'm deep down in a well where no one could find.

Let me grieve. Just let me. Because I need to cry so badly, please don't try to stop me.

Can anyone please tell me that they will be beside me, no matter what? that they won't just leave me?

or that everything will be okay, in the end?

Can anyone please tell me that?

But I'm just afraid that after you tell me all those I want to hear, I look into your eyes and I can only see all the lies...

How sad is that?

Can I just close my eyes and sleep away my life?

Why do I have to grow up? Be strong?

Sorry, Linh. You thought that I'm always cheerful and positive. I'm not. Don't look at me.

...

[edited]
Sorry. My fault. I shouldn't have said anything right from the start. I also don't need you to understand. Not many people do anw.

*I'm not very creative with titles.*

1. Linh,

You used to complain that, although you said you miss me quite a lot of times, I only said that to you once. Well, sometimes I'm really careful with my words. Sometimes I want to say sth and mean it wholeheartedly, I want to say sth and feel it deeply, so much that it's the only thing filling my heart. So much that the feeling is "almost undeniable. It was crystal clear. As if it was written on some big screen flashing right in front of me with black font on white background, with font size at 142pt and I couldn't turn my face anywhere else."

There, that kind of feeling.

And you know what, today I went cycling at ECP today, and it reminded me of you.

And I want to say this to you "I miss you a lot" :D

2. I think one of the reasons why I'm afraid to get close to people is that I don't want ppl to be worried about me...

I don't want to become anyone's burden.

3. Looking at all the upcoming stuffs...

- Wushu next week: learning sword

- Outing next weekend (TBC)

- Dinner with my cousin next weekend (TBC)

- Wushu camp next next weekend (erm. No excuse this time :|)

- Haagen Dazs with Hui Jun next next next weekend (yay! I mean, I dont care whether we can split or not, it is freaking Haagen Dazs that I'm talking about! XD)

Exciting huh?

4. When you said that you felt lonely, I could understand. But when you said that you felt like your existence didn't matter, it was totally unexpected to me.

Maybe it's because I've always thought of you as a more "secure" person. Confident and self-assured. But then I realized that sometimes it's just not easy. Just like that song "Superman", right? And I know, you are not even Superman. None of us are, anw.

But also, another reason for my surprise was that it's so NOT true to me. I found it so obvious, so clearly apparent that your existence does matter, and how come you couldn't see it?!

That's why I was so surprised.

Anw, jia you :)

On Sputnik Sweetheart

I've been writing this for a while, and nothing came out quite right. It is the experience, the feeling as whole that I'm missing here. It's sth vast, blurry that wraps around you when you read it, and pinpointing it is just impossible.

Giving it a try anyway. Coz I think you, Pearl, may want to check it out.

Okay, gotta admit. I’m a sucker for writing style, rather than the plot. Haven’t read much of Haruki’s works, but I love how Sputnik Sweetheart is beautifully and emotionally written. A haunting melancholy penetrates everything, the story flowed smoothly like a river of emotions, still yet deep, quiet yet somehow overwhelming.

I like how Sumire loves. Agreed, she’s a lesbian. But her love is so pure, so strong, so brave, so passionate. She follows her heart till the end, goes with the flow, even when it means that she has to step into another world that she knows nothing about, even when it means that she has to be gone forever in this world. As if that love was a tornado, sweeping her away and making her vanish. Like smoke. Like smoke.

But above all, the deepest impression that Sputnik Sweetheart left in me is the loneliness. The sense of longing and solitude are just so strong. All of its characters have this special intense yearning for each other, yet each of them is still isolated. All alone. Like a satellite, following its own orbit in this vast university.

Seems like Haruki’s got some kind of obsession with loneliness (or is it just my feeling?). Personally I guess that's the reason why he likes the image of wells. The idea of being in the deep darkness, totally isolated from the outside world, exhausted from crying and shouting hopelessly. It's the worst kind of loneliness.

All in all, the prose is simple yet elegant, quiet yet emotional. The characters are lively and compelling (at least to me). A sweet and lovely book. But I just wish that there were no "surrealism" part. Totally enjoyed it until the creepy part when Miu saw erm, herself? :| :| :|

Today I went to sign the new broadband contract with my housemates. When we were asked to think of an user ID, my housemates told me to choose: "just put anything, not important". I wrote "Sputnik", and that just freaked the hell out of my dear housemates. "WTH, so lame, so nerdy" were their reactions but I didn't care (I could read the thoughts from their look "Silly us, why did we let this weirdo get to choose?! ").

Anw, I just love the sound of it.

Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?

(...)

I closed my eyes and listened carefully for the descendants of sputnik, even now circling the earth, gravity their only tie to the planet. Lonely metal souls in the unimpeded darkness of space, they meet, pass each other, and part, never to meet again. No words passing between them. No promises to keep.

No promises to keep.

PS: to whom it may concern (especially you, Hui Jun)... I'm totally fine and NOT emo :)) you don't have to SMS me at midnight to ask me why and how and what and so on :))

Will I see you again?

1. I saw a FB post of Bernadette's friend on her wall, telling her not to stay here forever because they miss her.

But we also miss her, don't we?

Branko left, Jon left, Ji Ye left, and Bernadette will leave. Although this makes me sound like a total emotional wreck, it is the truth to say that thinking of all the farewells almost brought me to the verge of tears.

I look at the world map where SK tagged everyone.

The world has shrunk small enough to bring people from everywhere to come here with us. But to me, it's still so damn big. It's still too big for all of us to be with each other forever, isn't it?

I miss people. I like them and I miss them, more than I thought.

2. I progressed to unit 11 of speaking Russian and already felt like I'm losing my motivation. It is getting too fast to catch and both the pronunciation and the grammar is seriously crazy. Most importantly, I have no one to ask questions and practice with :|

But maybe all of those are just my lame excuses.

I guess I failed you :( Sorry for making you disappointed.

3. I'm thinking, maybe I just needed to tell you so that I have someone to watch me, someone to hear my words that I'm going to stop the game :|

"Once deleted, profile data is not recoverable. Are you sure you want to delete this record?"

=)

1. People are coming back from holiday! I had lunch with Hui Jun, and then had dinner with Yuanlu. They all told me interesting stories about their trip. Been missing you guys so much haha.

Yes. I am seriously happy now. *making a serious face*

2. I think the way I sleep is really weird :|

This morning my room mate said sorry to me because her colleague called at around 2am last night and woke me up.

The thing is, I cannot remember such a thing :| My room mate claimed that we both woke up, and I DID sit up, trying to look for the phone and turn it off :|

Last night Connie's msg coming at 1AM also didn't manage to leave any impression in my mind :|

It's not the first time, though.

I used to wake up, answer a phone call, come back to sleep, and the next morning I looked at my Call history feeling puzzled and couldn't fathom why I had an answered call. My friend who called later told me that I did answer the call normally :|

But having 5 people trying to wake me up was really embarrassing, I guess +_+ and it happened to be one of the "highlights" of the Cameron trip +_+

(see, that time I wanted to wake up, that's why I did. You really think that your sms was so powerful that it could wake me up meh? Nah, not so easily. Not unless I let it :P so you don't have feel guilty or sorry for anything ok?)

3. Talking about all the funny things that happened during the trip, suddenly I remember some hilarious quotes during our werewolf game, think I should share them here :))

Jing Yuan's sister: *point to Bernadette* She's the werewolf, I know...
Bernadette: why do you say so?
Jing Yuan's sister: *mystic voice* your eyes.... your look....
Bernadette: errr =,=
Ah Piao: ehhh that's personal attack! =))

Or this:

Rim: Oh I know I know, Jie Ye is my lover, she will believe me. *turn to Ji Ye with hope*
Ji Ye: No, I'm not your lover.
Rim: eh??? what??? @___@
Ji Ye: I'm single, I'm single *close her eyes in an I'm-not-going-to-change-my-mind kind of way*
Rim: errr =,= :|

4. You don't have to worry about me, okay? :P Don't want to add in to all those you have to take care of :)

:|

*written yesterday, but well... you should know how stupid my home network is...*

1. Every once in a while, on a day like today (ya... rainy days almost always manage to make me feel down), things won't turn out quite right for me. Everything would slip out of its place a little bit.

The files weren't finalized coz of some stupid small details that I missed out, the bank account was disabled because I keyed in the wrong PIN 3 times, one bus took too long to come, another bus passed me by because it was too full, the queue at Shop n Save got frighteningly long, I ordered a new dish for a change and found it totally the kind of thing I would hate: disgustingly oily and piercingly spicy (I felt my guts burned up).

And when I walked home alone under the mild rain, I don't know why I started feeling small and miserable and self-pity (blame the weather, blame the weather!).

In times like this, I would start thinking of how it would feel to have a home to go back to, with someone inside waiting for you...

Sometimes I would need to feel that I DO matter.
Nvm, I guess I do. Just not that I'm aware of maybe? Jeez, okay forget it, it's not even a big deal anw :))

And one more thing. How can I ask to be an important someone in anyone's life, when I can't answer whether you are that important to me?

Haha, I start to think that maybe the rainwater must have some kind of chemicals that just won't work with the chemistry of my body/brain/blood/whatever that determines my mood.

The best thing is that even in my lowest point, I always know it would eventually go up again, and hence no point making a fuss.

Peace, everyone.

2. Tien Eu, thank you, I appreciate that.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't join the game despite what you did.

Then I realize that I was too ignorant. I unconsciously did what I hate ppl to do to me: making assumptions even though I didn't know enough. Too subjective.

But I'm glad you made me realize that :)

3. Erm. Just random. Listening to music, and it's coming to the song "Uniquely you".

Cameron Highlands

Finished my lunch early, finished my file early and now here I am, blogging while waiting for the file to be approved :">

Last week I had a surprisingly fun trip, which exceeded my expectation. Actually, we basically had totally no expectation :| I was hesitated. I was not very sure whether I should go. But then, somehow, after a lot of pushing from a lot of people and under a lot of special circumstances, finally I found myself sitting on the bus, still very much blurred about how I got to sit there in the first place.
(I caught myself in this kind of confusion when I was on my latest trip back to Vietnam :|)

But I'm glad that I was there. (sometimes it's good to be a pushover huh? XD)

There were a lot of memorable things about this trip that I have no intention to write down (at least I won't do that HERE :P somewhere else, maybe). I don't think my words can effectively recreate the experiences that the trip gave me. Even if I try, that would be a huge letdown. So let's just keep it to myself.

However, if you are really curious about how wonderful the place is, truth is: I'm not very sure. I used to say in my blog: "it doesn't matter where I'm going. Who I'm going with is more important." It still holds true for this trip. I'm really thankful to all of my Sputniks =) You guys are a bunch of nice and fun people to hang around with.

:)

1. I realize that there are still a lot of things that I dare not do. Actions and words are dangerous, because people often seek meanings behind them, and hence seemingly small random actions/words can lead to unexpected consequences. I'm not saying those consequences are always bad, but I don't like surprises that much.

As much as I want to take down all the walls built around my heart, making it an open space, freeing my thoughts, I'm afraid of the risk of being misunderstood.

People have always been expecting to see walls, haven't they? Can't blame. I'm no different from them.

PS: Funny. Suddenly I remember hearing about someone's "air of secrecy". That sounds really cool, but isn't it the total opposite of me? :)) Okay, I guess I can never really act cool =))

2. So, Linh, yes, I meant it. I know it's hard, and I know you feel skeptical

"would you be able to do what you told me to, if you were me?"

Yes, I would.
I know there are a lot of situations that we cannot say for sure what we would do if it hadn't really happened to us, but this time I'm sure.

Don't you worry, you've got my words. I'm with you in this, ok? I hope you would trust me, as you have always did. I cannot be with you and hold your hands, but you know I would always support you.

And everyone is worried about you, dear. Be a good girl, okay? ;)

Little tiny elephant

1. So I took a short nap in the club room. I wanted to sleep. I was sleepy, but it was not the reason why I wanted to sleep.

I woke up, and found that the thoughts, the feelings still lingered around me like smoke. I tried to shake them off, unsuccessfully though.

Now thinking back, I don't know whether you meant it, or whether I heard wrongly. But at that point, I thought you did.

So... maybe it didn't totally dissolve into nothingness.

Anyway, it doesn't matter *shrug*

2.

Quote of the day:

Rim: Ay yo, you are like my mom already. Don't want to let me go back from Malaysia alone :))
Hui Jun: But Ah Piao also thinks that you shouldn't go alone mah. So does it make him... your dad?
Rim: =)) =)) =))

Okay HJ, you made my dad , oops, I mean my day =))

Actually,I'm thinking, if it makes you my mom, and him my dad, then what would it make the two of you? :))

Thoughts in darkness

*written a few days back but couldn't publish due to network failure*

1. Sitting in the dark.

Have you ever tried it?

No, I'm not emo or anything. I'm perfectly calm and normal, if not rather contented.

Most of the time, I prefer light. Bright clean clear light. Brilliant sunshine. Those are what I like. But sometimes, I find darkness comforting, in the way that it eliminates all the unnecessary. I won't have to see all those distracting things. The table, the chairs, the TV, the cupboard, the staircase? Why the hell should they matter? The only thing I would get to see is this darkness. And that way, I can focus on the more essential. Myself, in other words.

Like now.

The only thing I see is the screen, and even the screen is dim. Everything is peaceful enough. The only sound is from the clock, ticking ever so patiently. Beside me sits silently my favorite drink, cold jasmine green tea, in my favorite cup, Xuki's gift.

And everything seems far away. Far enough.

2. Do you often do this? Being in the dark, calmly, all by yourself, eyes wide open, listening to your own breaths?
Do many of you do this?
Once in a while, one of my housemates would pass by and ask "why don't you turn on the light?" and I would asnwer "I don't want to",and he would give me a strange look.

"Do you look at me as a very weird girl?"

The thought of being a bit "abnormal" gives me a strange feeling. Lonely, that's it. Like walking on an empty road, all by yourself. Life is a long journey. Wouldn't it be lonely if you have to walk through it all alone?

"You're unique =)"

Again, thank you. I appreciate that.

I could remember when I was really small, I wanted to be like others, to be similar to my friends (remember the last time when you wanted sth just because all your friends had it? :P). When I grew up a little bit more, I wanted to be considered as "special", wanted to stand out from the crowd, wanted to be different from the rest.

But now?

Now I don't want to care anymore. Now I feel uniqueness is such an overrated idea, the idea that advertising industry exploits exhaustively to sell their products. What's wrong with being ordinary, if it allows you to be yourself? Why have to try so hard to be unique, when you are not? What's the meaning of it, if being unique means that you don't dare to do sth you want, just because everyone else is doing it and you want to be different?

Is being ordinary such a shame?

Whatever. As long as you can be truly yourself, why should it matter whether you are different or not?

I don't really need to be normal, or unique, or extraodinary, or awesome, or legendary. I just want to do whatever I wish to do.

:|

What I consider normal, people think it's weird.
What I consider weird, people think it's normal.

I guess this world is too diverse to have anything that we can deem "common". And hence, "common sense" is a myth :|

I won't believe my sense anymore, nor would I believe anyone's sense for that matter :|