Well, I guess this is one of those more popular problems of girls huh? It's okay to feel so, don't worry, coz most girls I know have this feelings. And mind you, I have a friend like Linh, arguably the most insecure creature on the entire planet Earth =)) You are really no match to her, so no need to worry =)) If I can handle her, there's no one I cannot handle :"> (Linh, sorry, I'm just telling the truth :"> it might be ugly, but it's still the truth)
Then I take a good look at myself. If I follow her definition, truth is, I think I won't be any better :P.
But people didn't know that. Simply because I made myself comfortable with that feeling.
Yep, that's true.
I don't know if saying this would upset my friends, but I always think that people will leave me, eventually. I'm almost certain about that. To such an extend that subconsciously I always prepare myself for that. I try hard not to be too dependent on anyone, in case the person leave me. My question is not whether people will leave me, but when. And I would calmly wait for it.
I'm all like, "You know how to find me. I'm always here whenever you need me. But if you don't, or if you've got somebody else with you, well, good for you then. I'm gonna be okay".
I'm not too happy, of course. I'm sad when I have no one to turn to. But if people want to leave me, I don't think there's anything I can do about that anyway. Either they change and I cannot keep up with it, or I change and they cannot accept it. In any case, there's not much I can do. On my side, I myself cannot say for sure that I will just stay still forever, so who am I to judge? Everyone moves on. And so be it.
I don't know if saying this would upset my friends, but I always think that people will leave me, eventually. I'm almost certain about that. To such an extend that subconsciously I always prepare myself for that. I try hard not to be too dependent on anyone, in case the person leave me. My question is not whether people will leave me, but when. And I would calmly wait for it.
I'm all like, "You know how to find me. I'm always here whenever you need me. But if you don't, or if you've got somebody else with you, well, good for you then. I'm gonna be okay".
I'm not too happy, of course. I'm sad when I have no one to turn to. But if people want to leave me, I don't think there's anything I can do about that anyway. Either they change and I cannot keep up with it, or I change and they cannot accept it. In any case, there's not much I can do. On my side, I myself cannot say for sure that I will just stay still forever, so who am I to judge? Everyone moves on. And so be it.
I'm always prepared to be a lonely person. That's how I keep myself cool.
Now I'm afraid of myself. Will I be able to really feel deeply attached to anyone, ever again? Or will I be like this forever, "floating" in the middle of nowhere, trying to be brave, telling myself that I'm totally fine being alone, that I can survive by myself and won't need anyone beside me?
Well, we all are fundamentally alone anyway, ain't we?
*Not until now that I can fully realize the effect of what happened that day... The strong yet naive courage to completely and wholeheartedly trust someone has shattered since the day, when I sat outside at that staircase with my dying laptop, unable to utter a word, shaking with disbelief and cold with fear.
But I don't really regret. Maybe it's better this way, when I can always leave a possibility for people to change. Because that's life and life changes.
haiz tell u what, I always feel insecure. But I don't prepare myself to be alone. Any more. I make sure I put effort in making people stay. Until the day they don't want to stay any more, I'll just let go, and try to be ok again.
ReplyDeleteI think it's just the truth, and it's not ugly at all.
ReplyDeleteBasically, I think relationship should be handled on the basis of one-on-one, or at least in my case I try to, and it has to be both-sided, like holding a string from 2 ends. Once one party drops it, there's no helping in holding the string any longer because at that stage, the feelings are not mutual anymore, or not at equal level any more. If you feel like you appreciate that person more than that one treasures you, despite your effort, one day you yourself will feel miserable, thinking you deserve something better, yet you don't want to let go and so on, so forth.
I'm not the kind of person who makes the extra effort, if I kinda sense that reluctance of the other person, I will let go first and start moving on.I'm a slow mover that's why.
But well, everybody has his own way to make peace with the process, as long as you feel comfortable, it's fine.
haha, just exactly the very kind of comment that I may expect from kami.
ReplyDeleteI like this "I'm a slow mover that's why". Guess we are all kinda slow isnt it? :))
We are all alone. Indeed.
ReplyDelete