1. Đêm khuya nghe bài Vắng em của Quốc Bảo, hết muốn làm gì luôn. Tự nhiên emotional, mặc dù mình chẳng vắng anh, vắng em lại càng không. Chỉ là thấy cảm động. Ca từ hay quá.

nhớ ôi nhớ ôi muôn lần nhớ

cất đi hết vào đầy giấc mơ

2. Độ nổi tiếng và sức hấp dẫn của Linh Trần thật là siêu phàm :| mình đã đánh giá thấp cô ấy, chỉ vì tưởng cô về VN rồi thì quyền lực đã giảm. Ai ngờ đâu tầm ảnh hưởng của cô vượt biên giới vượt biển luôn. Cô để link blog mình lên facebook, comment nhảm vài 3 cái là cái post vừa rồi của mình số người like tăng 1 cách.. đáng xấu hổ +_+

Xin Linh Trần tha mạng cho em :|

3. Sao có tumblr rồi còn viết ở đây?

Tumblr is for sharing, blogger is for venting. Tumblr is for others, blogger is for myself. Tumblr is for more serious thoughts, blogger is for stupid rants. Tumblr is my 'public' face, blogger is for those who' are interested to know how stupid i can get 3:-o. Fair enough?

4. No I don't want to fall. No I don't want to give up, I don't want to give in, I don't want to walk away, I don't want to turn back.

But sometimes Life, being itself, is not mine to control.

The best I can do is sitting here in the middle of the night, and prepare.

bỗng dưng buồn anh à. Buồn mà ko hiểu tại sao. Thực ra là biết thứ làm cho mình buồn, nhưng lại ko hiểu nó làm mình buồn cách nào. Ý là biết thủ phạm, nhưng hong biết thủ đọan :|

anh ngủ rồi. hì. ban nãy biết mình ko vui, còn cố tình viết sai grammar :| đang bùn mà thấy "the beautiful-est" là ngóac miệng ra cười, nhảy vô sửa lỗi liền. Nghĩ lại thấy mình vô duyên dễ sợ. Có nhiu đó thôi mà cũng cười.

Uh, có nhiu đó thôi, vậy mà cũng cười đc. Lạ heng.

thôi nè, em thôi không buồn nữa. Buồn làm chi. Tối nay leo lên giường, khóac áo khoác của anh ngủ cho ngoan. Đời vẫn còn có anh.

May mà đời còn có anh.

Ngủ ngon sweetheart.

uh

uh tự dưng muốn viết nhảm. Chắc là do đói + chán, đâm ra muốn nói linh tinh.

Dạo này viết linh tinh kiểu này thực ra cũng nhiều, nhưng tòan viết vào notebook riêng. hôm nay bút hết mực, cáu nên viết vào đây.

Nghe phong phanh đâu đó câu chuyện bố của ai mua quà này quà nọ tặng con gái. Tự dưng nhớ ra món quà đáng nhớ đầu tiên trong đời là của bố tặng. Từ điển tiếng Việt, tặng nhân ngày... quốc tế phụ nữ chứ chả phải sinh nhật. Xong rồi tự dưng trong 1 giây phút mong manh bỗng nhiên thấy thèm đc vậy. Thèm được bố hỏi 1 câu "thích quà gì?" Biết đâu. Lớn rồi đi làm rồi, muốn mua gì giờ tự mua được rồi, nhưng vẫn muốn bố hỏi thế đấy. Và tự dưng chỉ muốn bố hỏi thôi, không phải là ai khác, không cần bạn trai hỏi câu đấy. Chỉ muốn làm nũng bố thôi.

Chả hiểu.

Chắc là father's girl rồi. Since ever.

Tự dưng muốn mua cho bố cái gì valuable chút ghê. nhưng không biết mua gì, mua linh tinh tốn tiền mà bố ko dùng thì cũng thế +_+

Chuyện thứ 2 là chuyện nhà cửa. Bao năm ở Sing thỉnh thoảng vẫn bực mình chuyện chuyển đi chuyển lại, nhưng chưa lần nào thấy man mác mong 1 chốn riêng mình như tối nay. Lí do thì rất là củ chuối. Chẳng qua đang nghĩ đến chuyện mua thêm mấy thứ, vài quyển sách, vài bình mực. Nghĩ xong thì tự nhiên nghĩ tiếp: rồi để đâu? Rồi đến lúc chuyển nhà thì thế nào? Thế là lại thôi. Nghe thì nhảm thật, nhưng nghĩ thử xem, tòan thứ khó chuyển. Sách thì nặng. Bình mực thì khỏi nói, đâu có thể vứt hết vào thùng rồi quăng lên xe được.

Nói chung là có 2 chuyện làm mình buồn chán vậy thôi.

Tâm trạng dở dở ương ương.

Okay whatever

I'm moving to Tumblr.

Found a website to move my content over there, (and risk exposing my Tumblr password, so wish me luck)

Okay whatever.

Here it is: http://lunatic-me.tumblr.com/

Good bye Blogger.

With love,

Rim.

oh.

"So what's wrong if there happens to be one guy in the world who enjoys trying to understand you?"
"Kind of like a hobby?" she said, amused.
"Yeah I guess you could call it a hobby. Most normal people would call it friendship or love or something, but if you want to call it a hobby, that's OK, too."

(Norwegian wood - Haruki Murakami)

I love this quote.

Should I move to Tumblr or sth? Much easier and more convenient to share stuffs. Bleh.

always feel blue when I'm sick =,=

I have become such a Strepsil consuming machine. And a good one at that.

5 or 6 packs already, I lost count.

Bleh. (I tend to use this a lot recently)

?

It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation.You're signed in as tip.of.toe@gmail.com

=|

I'm just wondering if this is a mistake of some sort. You know, I just want to follow what Blogger told me to do:
"If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation."

dailies

1. Recently the number of followers on my Tumblr increases faster than the number of my posts =| I don't even write much... =|

2. I had a VERY happy birthday :) arguably the happiest one ever, and this is no exaggeration (I have thought very carefully about all the past birthdays to be able to say this confidently).

I wonder why there are so many people who are so nice to me. Really. It surprises me.

Thank you, for the wishes, messages, SMSes, FB posts, emails...
Thank you, for the 'mini' celebration for me with the brownie (i loveee you all!!! The brownie was really good btw :P XD I'm so touched)

And thank You :) for making my days.

3. Where have you been these days? maybe you still owe me a bday wish? It's nothing too much right?

4. I like how I get to see the best sides of you. And the worst.

I love them all.

I don't want to waste my life in waiting, you see

We have just posted out your eBay item and you should be receiving it shortly.
UK customers typically receive their purchase within 1-2 working days. International delivery times vary according to location, but a good average is 5-7 days.

Oh. So. 5-7 days.

For once in my life, I suddenly wish I were staying in UK.

Am I too easily agitated or what?

Sincerity

When you say something to anyone, mean it.

May the other person feel you.

Self-centered

And where did people get that impression? That I'm a good writer?

Maybe they didn't know how much I struggle with writing throughout my school years. My performance was really unstable, so much that it surprised my teachers. I could excel at one time, and fail below average right the next time.

It only got worse once I entered the university. All the essays, assignments, project reports were some form of torturing in disguise to me. It didn't help that I was majoring in CNM. Imagine all the press releases, reports, news articles I had to write. Such a nightmare. I never scored well for writing modules.

How come people still think that I'm good at writing?

I don't know what to write.

I only write when I feel the need, the urge, when I really feel strongly about something. When there are thoughts and feelings needing to let out. Words then will find me, I only have to rearrange them a little bit.

My writings, therefore, are all about me. Those that move me deeply. Those that make me think, those that make me feel. You cannot force me to write about something I don't have any feelings about, because I cannot force myself anyway.

I'm such an amateur. A self-centered one.

Still think I'm good at writing? Think again.

haiz

sorry.

1. (Picture: found here)

Isn't it?

I don't think being strong is a choice. I don't think it's so fun to be strong all the time. But sometimes you don't get to choose.

2. What does "things happen for a reason" really mean?

To me, it means that things happen so that you could wake up, do something about it, make use of the disadvantages and turn the situation around into something good for you.

And that's the reason things happened. So that you would have to do something.

Easier said than done, I know. But again, sometimes you have no choice. That's how we all grow.

3.

- Be a friend, be supportive ok?
- uh ok.

I'm sorry. Sorry for a lot of things. I didn't understand you as well as I thought, as well as I'm supposed to.

Once you've realized what you really want, you know I'll help.

Again, I'm sorry I failed you. Sorry I couldn't do what you did for me. But I'll try, ok?

=|

when even writing cannot keep me awake

1. I know I really cannot stand it anymore. The pain kept me awake almost the whole night, which made me coming to work in a semi conscious status.

2. Schneider Base. I desperately want to know if it's up to what ppl said. Let's just wait for the pen meetup coming up next weekend, if no one can sell it back, I guess the last resort is to order it online. With all the reviews about its exceptional smooth performance, it should be a good pen for everyday writing, especially when it's just ~20USD @__@ Ha, then I can start to play around with ink, yay!

I start to talk like a pen geek XD

3. Let's just take it easy. Step by step, everything will sort it out. Just believe so, things will follow.

This reminder comes just when I need it. Thanks.

i love secrets.

I take pleasure in seeing things that people cannot see, in finding things that people cannot find. Subtle hidden gems, little beautiful secrets that would take you some time and effort to be able to appreciate.

They might not understand, they might not see your light. But don't worry, I do.

Not all kind of beauty is loud and out, don't you think?

okay. I'm trying my best to find the courage.

Let me for once confess this:

"I'm very lost."

This feeling just... beleaguers me. I can't bear it.

That's the best I can say. I'm only brave enough to say this much.

Just for your information, if you ever wonder how I am doing.

Some pens are for writing

It is deeply disturbing to me to realize how difficult it is to find ink for fountain pens.

The Harris bookstore at Jurong Point is not that small. They have the whole shelf of expensive branded fountain pens from Parker, Lamy, Cross...

But not ink. No cartridge. No bottle. Not a single one.

Why so?

What's the point of selling fountain pens, when you don't sell ink? And what's the point of owning a fountain pen when you don't have ink to use with it?

Pens are supposed to be used for writing, not for decorating, aren't they? Not for showing, aren't they?

Uh oh, just one more cartridge to go. I will have to save it =(

Wasted a whole evening at Jurong Point for nothing. The place is freaking big and I kept getting lost. T_T

9 crimes - Damien Rice

I just want to lie down on a meadow, letting every drop of this sad melody fill me up. Eventually the rain would come and wash my world away.

The thunders from afar sound like a dream...

i'm kinda scared

Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life.
Donald Miller

We let fear influence our decisions much more than we dare to admit. I'm kinda disappointed at myself. Do you feel the same if you know I'm not so brave? Not so strong? If you know I'm just another coward?

Will I ever feel passionate about anything at all?

I suppose I do have one unembarrassed passion. I want to know what it feels like to care about something passionately. (Adaptation - 2002)

I do want to know. How does it feel?

There are too many ideas and things and people. Too many directions to go. I was starting to believe the reason it matters to care passionately about something, is that it whittles the world down to a more manageable size. (Adaptation -2002)

"A more manageable size"

A more focused world.

A direction.

Not everyone is so lucky. I envy you...

I'm so lost. In the middle of things. When did I start to feel this way?

Life passes me by

Tons of Facebook updates and notifications from friends. Piled up new items on Google Readers. Hundreds of new posts from Tumblr (jeez, and I do want to read them all). A scary mess of unread emails.

It was just several days, for God's sake.

Life passes me by, in a terrifying speed. I can almost hear the whiz when it zips by my ear. As if I were standing against hundreds of winds, while they are moving swiftly around me and away, leaving me here standing still.

So scary I wanted to close my eyes and refuse to look at anything.

Maybe I hate this feeling.

Rain :|

I'm pretty sure that there must be some kind of reactions between rain and me, more specifically my mood =|

Especially when I just stepped out of that lift and in front of me was the whole rainy sky and coincidentally my mp3 player started playing some Damien Rice's sad melody.

Oh. My.
What kind of combination is that?

I swear sth must have happened. Something has moved inside me. Immediately, right that moment, the world left me, swiftly. As if i fell into a sad movie, and that was my soundtrack.
As if I were pulled into another strange dreamy world, wrapped inside it, swimming, floating.

As soon as the song stopped, and the noises of people reached me, I was back to the real world. Everything was back to normal, and no one seem to knew about my absence from this world, just now.


*haiz, now I only want to stay here inside the office =| I have no wish to go anywhere =|

Bleh. Emotional weather.

eeee =|

I'm really not good at multi-tasking.

Like how I'm feeling so confused right now in the midst of everything. Nothing is that overwhelming, honestly, but a whole bunch of little small things really make me feel like falling into a chaotic mess.

Just solve them one by one I guess.

This is just an insignificant complain. My Life has been too smooth recently =P

Something about trust.

Once upon a time, I was broken badly. And I thought I could never completely trust anyone again. I thought it's irrational. I thought it would be stupid to do so. I thought so, and there were people who told me so.

Turns out, after 2 years, I'm doing exactly the same thing. Trusting someone wholeheartedly.

Might be the same thing on the surface, but actually it's different. At least to me.

The difference is, the first time, I didn't know about the risk. I was naive, I was clueless, totally unaware of the cost, the pain, the price I would have to pay once my trust get shattered. That's why I wasn't scared. Because I didn't know, that I'm supposed to be scared.

This time, I know. I know perfectly well what would happen if I get broken again. But I still do it. I consciously take the risk.

So, to me, trust is not simply following someone without any idea where you are heading to. It's even more than that. It's about knowing exactly that you are about to throw yourself off that cliff, yet still doing it, believing that someone will catch you.

And even if for some reason the person is not able to catch me, well, I know it's the choice I made.
And I realize what trust is about. You make a choice to trust, and you are the only one who's responsible for its consequence, whatever it is.

Writer's block

Somehow, I don't have that need to write anymore. I mean, why?
I used to wonder whether it is because I was lonely that I wrote a lot, blogged a lot. Maybe I'm not so lonely now.

Jeez, I've become lazy.

And what's worse is that, in those rare moments that I actually wanted to write anything, it was almost always something that I'm not so comfortable to share to public. Thoughts about you.

Bleh.
(my new random sound)

Another day =)

1. Nothing can be worse than waking up in the morning and seeing the heavy rain when you are supposed to go to work.

But the feeling when an SMS suddenly appears while you are clearing your inbox simply beats them all.

(the message didn't get through coz of my full inbox... =,=)

It brings back my best smile. My "bestest" smile :P. Doesn't matter that my current phone sucks. I'm fully recharged.

2. Having less time talking to Linh D: Linh ơi đừng bỏ tao mà đi theo Lud Thẹo =( Tao mún ở trong list One and Only, mày đừng có cho bả dzô đó nha :(( ai kiu mày đi làm hong chat đc, tao thì buổi tối hong có ở nhà mấy khi :">

3. While watching a video clip of a guy, I can imagine how Lud was watching him.
Lud ơi, you are happy =D


All of us, we are. I hope so, I sincerely hope so.

Oh my June

Singapore has four seasons: Summer. Summer. Summer. And summer.

Well, Singapore doesn't have that much variety when it comes to seasons. The sun shines all year round, and the temperature stays as hot as ever. And whenever I don't feel the heat, it's because I was freezing in the office with the aircon and no window and working.

Yet thinking about June still makes me smile. Maybe because of some blurry memories from the faraway past.

The past when we were still young and we got to play in the summer, and then we got to go to the beach ...

Oh. Wait.
Yes. I can still go to the beach this summer.

And I'm still young.

Life's still good. Nice. Some bumps along the way doesn't change that fact.

(I'm still frustrated. But oh well, the reason why you didn't return my phone might be because your life is much more miserable than mine and you were jealous with me. I pity you. Enjoy my phone while you can, &^%@^&%!^& - insert some ugly inappropriate language here for me please.)

Haiz

Before it's too late.

Sometimes I push people away from me, when all I want to do is to run over and grab their hands and hold them back.


Before it's too late.

*self-consoling mode*

I know I'm forgetful, but this is not too bad right?

Look, even Apple's top secret, the iPhone4 prototype, could be forgotten :| See what did people do to the phone? Did they nicely returned it? Obviously not. See what happened to the dude? Well, he was badly screwed, but he's not dead (yet) right?

*er, sorry dude, for using you to cheer myself up. I hope you won't mind. Your case was classic*

And Xuki is laughing at me like mad :| =,= Meannnnnn :|

Maybe my name is Sumire

1. Nam's birthday. Since the guy has shamelessly asked me for a gift, which "can be anything, just anything" (his words!), I bought him a wooden pen, the only suitable (and cheap) gift I can find from NUS Coop :|

Well, maybe a little bit too cheap.

I realized (a little bit too late) that it was broken or sth, I cannot use it to write.

I sighed, bought a greeting card, and used my fountain pen to write some words for him.

"Happy birthday to you. All the best.
PS: Sorry. Some pens are not to write"

2. I don't really believe in fate and the like. I don't believe in those sayings "Things happen for a reason". I think it's just a form of consolation for people when sth unwanted happen to them.

But I do think that we can try to make use of not-so-good situations and events. By learning from them, by looking at the positive side. And maybe, that's how we can "connect the dots", looking backward.

For instance, some certain things happening in the past has taught me this: Love, of all things, is never to be taken for granted. I'm grateful for that lesson.

3. Talking about things that I don't believe in, I don't believe in the notion of "The One". I don't think there's only one perfectly right person in this world for each of us. Rather, there are quite a few of people out there who may be just as compatible, or even more compatible with you than me.

I just happen to be the person who turns up at the right place and the right time. And that makes a whole lot of difference.

4. This reminds me of Sumire in Sputnik Sweetheart. After meeting Miu, Sumire was no longer able to write anything.

Somehow sometimes I feel like thoughts escaped me.

yes, THIS reminds me of Sumire.

Excuse my writing please. I'm losing the interest.

Haiz

We

We will be okay. Totally okay.
Or even a little more than that.
We will be great.

nonsense stuffs.

1. Recently sometimes I feel like my head is made up of a balloon, or a bubble. Light and empty.

I don't think I like the feeling.

2. I watched Toy Story 3 and suddenly wondered where all my toys are. I try to remember how I spent my childhood, and realized that I was not a kid with toys. I did play with toys when my parents bought for me (well, that's what parents are supposed to do right?), but I cannot recall any particular fascinating memory with any specific toy.

Guess since very young I've been a weird kid.

"woa, you've been a skeptic since you are a kid"

well, I'm not sure about that, but I did protest Toy Story 1 because I didn't believe in the technology. I adored 2D animation and I didn't want to think that a computer-generated cartoon could be better than traditional drawn ones.

3. Suddenly I realized that there are still quite a few things I'm worried about. There are just too many constrains. And insecurity. As usual, I'm scared.

We just don't want things that are too easy, do we? We just can't help asking that question "What if I could try a little bit more?". The thing is, not many of us have a chance to give it a try. It's either because people don't allow us to, or something else hold us back, or we are just insecure and the current situation is too safe and comfortable.

Well, I guess I just need to keep going, and things will somehow sort it out. And I know I've got someone who will always be there behind me.

I might be a bit slow, but it doesn't mean that I can't do it. Just watch me.

4. Crazy nonsense stuffs (all happened in the office)

Meryl: I'm hungry.

Me: Me too.

Me: Hungry hungry hungry

Me: I'm going to eat the screen now.

Meryl: o.O

Meryl: She's got a new project for us

Me: what is it about?

Meryl: *straight face* Aliens.

Me: *straight face* Ok. I like aliens. Much more interesting. Maybe their blood is blue or purple or sth. And their cells are heart shaped.

Meryl: =))

Meryl is like one of the best things about my work.

quick doodle again =S

Meryl was asking me sth about Illustrator, then...

Meryl: eh what's that? Artistic watercolor? sounds cool
Rim: haha, only a kind of brush. You also have that. Let me show you. *choose the brush and make some strokes on the screen*
Meryl: looks cool..
Rim: *make some more strokes* yah, nice right? I like it best with light blue color... *keep making strokes...*

5 minutes later, I've got this :|

Shining eyes

In my Google Reader, there's this folder that I named "Shining eyes". Under this folder are all my friends' blogs.

It's about how many shining eyes I have around me.

~Benjamin Zander

I'm glad that I've got so many shining eyes around me.

So, if you happen to notice that I've looked into your eyes a second too long, maybe it's because your eyes were too beautiful I couldn't resist it.

Or if I turned away and didn't look into your eyes, maybe because they were shining too brightly, I didn't dare to look straight into them.

This morning, I woke up and looked into the mirror. My hair was messy, and I had this just-got-out-of-bed look.
But, sure enough, my eyes were shining.

The pain of breaks.

Some of you might already know that I'm a pain freak. I have pain phobia. Not only I'm afraid of myself being in pain, but witnessing the pain of others can also affect me greatly.

That's why Handle with Care is really disturbing to me.

There are pains almost every where, throughout the book. It is full of pain. I can feel my own imaginary pain merely from reading it. And it's not only physical, but also emotional. There were breaks every where.

I kept praying that the little girl won't break, but that's obviously impossible. Willow, the 5 year old girl, has osteogenesis imperfecta, which means her bones can break very easily, sometimes even when she sneezes. Every time she fell and had a break, I had to skip the paragraph, which makes me skim through like, almost 20% of the book (I tried my best!). What kind of reading is this? T___T I feel like cheating, or being cheated T_T

And is it the reason why I found the characters' reactions all too extreme and irrational? I kept asking "can't you see what you are doing? wake up will ya?" I cannot feel the sympathy I had with My sister keeper anymore. People are stubborn and weird and determined to break their lives in pieces. Family, friendship, parenthood, love... everything was out of control.

Well, at least it's got a coherent and concise writing style. The prose in some parts is quite powerful, I'd say. I like the way she describe parent's love.

And here comes my favourite quote in this book:

"You know how sometimes, your life is so perfect you’re afraid for the next moment, because it couldn’t possibly be quite as good? That’s what it felt like."
— Jodi Picoult (Handle with Care)

Well, at least the book is not boring :P

Life

*just to share*

There are days when I look around and wonder why there are so many people hating this life and humanity, thinking that the world is all corrupted and everyone is bad and ugly. Maybe I haven't seen enough, maybe I'm too naive, but my 24 years through life still tell me this: it's not that bad, not at all. Is it that hard to find good people? Everyday I see nice and honest people around me, those strangers who smile at me, those friends who truly care about me, those I respect and admire, those who inspire me a lot...

And then, there is You.

I still believe in this world. Very much.

Until you break me. So don't.

Simple and happy.

1. Last weekend somehow I ended up shopping alone. Been quite some time since the last time I truly did sth like this. Unlike some girls, I prefer to go shopping alone. No waiting, no being waited, no time pressure, no "are-you-really-going-to-buy-that" looks.

2. One thing that surprised me was how most greeting cards have readily printed messages inside (I said "most" just because I gave up half way and didn't bother to open each and every card to check)

So convenient huh? Where are the days when we still actually spend time to think of meaningful and personal wishes? Some of the messages are not even that original. I mean, what? "Wish you a very happy birthday"?! Come on, you can do way better than that. Or, at least, just as good.

Unless the card is just sth out of formal courtesy. Like when you don't even care that much, but you feel obliged to send sth.

Then you won't even bother to write anything. Just buy the card, fill in the name, the address maybe, and send it out.

That sounds kinda disturbing, isn't it?

3. Anw, am satisfied with my new shorts and hoodie =D just amazingly comfortable, totally (and with beautiful price also, thanks to GSS hahah)

4. My FB wall is such a mess. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that there are people who care. I'm just surprised. Are there really THAT many people who TRULY care?
Maybe I'm just freaked out. Maybe it's just the matter of how easy it is to click the "Like" button.
Still, I'd much prefer sth really really simple like this:

It doesn't matter how many people know, or 'like'

Still, thanks for the supports :D

5. For this reason, somehow now Tumblr is the only place I can find my own peace. With me, and my thoughts, and quiet strangers who just silently follow my posts.

Feel like it's a sacred place of my own. I hid there.

so...

We all make choices and live with their consequences.

I made mine.
It's not that hard to click "Confirm" for a request on FB. Now the difficult part is to live with it, and keep it everyday.

So long as you are confident, I am.

God bless our broken roads :)

1. To you:

I felt kinda light when I came clean with you.

Although this comes a bit late :P, but well, thanks for the [very] short "adventure". You didn't really accompany me, so to say. But you made it happen. And the experience was nice.

Now i'm going to have one of my own.

2. To you:

I promise you, I'll try my best. I might not be perfect. But for you, I'll try. And it's kinda good to know I won't have to try alone.

Thanks for being my Sputnik, for the journey ahead.

- Are you really Thao?

- No, I'm not.

=)) sorry, I just couldn't help it, but I felt like your question is too "cold" already =))

3. All the best to all of us :)

All of us.

Color of the sun

1.Yes, I know I've been telling myself to be back to the more 'rational' self, but I've realized that I couldn't really do it properly. Especially when it kinda feel good to be on the clouds.

I found myself on the emotional side more than the rational side, and more of feelings than thoughts. This kinda scares me, given that I've always thought feelings are some billions times less stable than thoughts.

Once things start to change, it's hard to revert back, it's hard to be in control.

2. I kinda hate the way I'm doing things right now. Really not here nor there, and everything is halfway done.

And I hate the way I'm reading. Really. I'm reading more than 1 book at a time, and what's worse is the way I squeezed time to read them when I'm on bus or having lunch. I miss the days when I could just lazily lie there and enjoy reading and maybe some cold drink without interruption.

I miss my childhood. My beloved summer is not supposed to be like this. It's not supposed to be contained in an office.

3. What I hate about this office is the lack of windows. Gosh... there is only one single window in the whole office. A tiny one, which looks so miserable and so out of place, as if after building the place, someone realized they totally forgot about windows and decided to cut out a small hole so that at least there would be one ...

Suffocating -__-"

5. Ozstudio is up.
It's been a long time since I've ever volunteered to write anything for Oz. But this time, it is summer, and the song is about the sun.

Happy girls are like sunshine.

6. I'm like sunshine. Yah, despite all the rants above, i'm still beaming. Shining.

:|

1. Oh finally I managed to finish "Nocturnes: Five Stories of Music and Nightfall" with sheer persistence.
It was such a pain, please don't waste your money in this book (luckily I didn't, I borrowed it from the library). Although to be fair, the last story is pretty decent with a bittersweet taste of regret and lost dreams, it's not enough to bring up the whole book.

Or maybe I just don't like short stories. I guess I will still give Kazuo Ishiguro's novels a try

(last time's experience with The elephant vanishes did teach me a thing or two: the fact that one can write beautiful novels doesn't make one a master of short stories)

2. Now that Meryl has been back to work with me for almost 2 months, working became so so so fun. Finally someone who could share my pain of having to listen to a toooo sweet voice everyday.

Quote:

Rim: how about this color?
Meryl: gross
Rim: *shrug*

Meryl: where are you going? Isn't it this direction?
Rim: oh yah!
Meryl: you suck
Rim: *shrug*

Meryl: I forgot my mouse again!
Rim: you suck! eh finally I can have a chance to say that to you hahahha
Meryl: =,=

3. Sth went out of the orbit for a moment, and when I couldn't see it, I started to freak out.

I really don't know why I acted that way last night. That was sooooo uncool :| I thought I told myself to come back to be rational? :| how come I could just freak out that easily? :|

4. I was walking alone.
And then... there you came to catch up with me :)

For the changes to come.

1. If you are one of those people who might wonder why these last few days I have kinda disappeared, this is the answer: Wushu training camp. My whole body is aching at every possible place, in every possible way. Laughing is painful, coughing is painful, and standing upright is also a pain.

No pain, no gain. But I'm not so sure about the other way round, thou. Let's just hope that I did improve somehow? :|

2.

Keng Yong: are you coming tmr? Come lah, it's not about what we'll do. It's who we are with.

Yes, indeed.

3. Another convo:

Rim: cute things are supposed to be happy!

Rachel: are you emo sometimes? Coz you are always cute =)

Rim: erm... I guess... sometimes I could be a lil bit less cute lah...

Everyone: =)) =)) =))

4. I love our club.

5. The warmth still stays with me. I am happy. Thank you.

6. My head has been on the clouds for more than 2 weeks now. I guess it's time to get back on the ground, back to the usual me, the more stable, rational and sensible me, starting from today. I'll try my best.

7. And already it is June. Half of a year has flown by like a breeze, with memorable events. Time to start the rest of my life. Show me the changes.

:P been elsewhere

1. Someone is getting more and more shameless these days :|

And, stop bullying me :|

2. On the other hand, I guess I'm becoming less shameless? :-s

There were times that I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to bury my face into a pillow.

(preferably a cool one. Like those pillows in Cameron Highlands)

3.

A realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist.

- Hitch (2005)

I'm more like "a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an idealist/a dreamer/ or simply, a hopeless romantic"

Sigh. Shame on me, right? I know, not like I want it. Idealist is just a way to sugarcoat it. Realize that no matter what, I'm still a hopeless romantic at heart, all the time. But a rather self-conscious one, I guess.

But still, I'm better than Lud =))

Lud: if you are a hopeless romantic, then what am I?

Rim: A hopeless romantic, then 50 feet of crap, then you =))

4. Explanation for the title?

Been busy writing somewhere else, for the sake of cheesy stuffs :P

Some dreams are to let go.

Of course we all want a home, but don't we love travelling? We all want a dearly familiar place where we belong to, but don't we also long for trips to those gorgeous beaches, those beautiful cities and wish that we could live there forever?

We all will have to go home, eventually. No matter how long the trip is.

But those far away places that we used to come and see and leave, won't it become some beautiful bittersweet piece of memory that we will never forget? Like those dreams that we have to forgo?

And if we are unlucky enough to fall in love with the place, we may forever live with that haunting question mark in our mind:

"What if...?"

(post from a talk with Linh :">)

my weekend in short

1. Been lazy to sit down and write proper long blog posts. Thoughts are as light as feathers, as fast as flashing lights, flying around, and difficult to catch.

Checking out tumblr. Quite a nice place for shorter one-liner kind of posts, pictures and quotes.

2. Still remember how I was sooooo scared when you said you would have to "dash my hope" =,= How could I know? I couldn't remember what I "hoped", obviously.

3. It's good to see things clearer.

But, I'm a weird person, implicitly weird, secretly weird :| Maybe you thought that you know how weird I am, but I'm not so sure :|

But I'll try to work on that? :-s

4. Just like how I'll work on my habit of keeping things to myself.

It's gonna take some time, I guess. But please understand this, although maybe I'll still try to stay independent, I'm grateful for those who are willing to be there. I know I will always have someone to rely on, some place to fall back on, somewhere to turn to, when I'm unable to hold myself.

"Sometimes, it is not meant to be understood, but to be accepted"

Thanks for accepting me. And supporting me.

5. Somehow, something in the world has changed. But I don't really know what it is, and I don't really know what it means.

Future is unclear. And there's sth I have to figure out.

6. You will know my birthday when it comes :)) :P don't have to bother with it ok?

7. Sorry xuki. Didn't see you for quite some time... :|

Let's have lunch ok?

8. Went out with my cute cousin :] and was too full with sushi :">

9. My room mate added "Eyes on me" to her current playlist :|

10. Sometimes even the most obvious thing needs to be said out loud.

Independence

Enough said

(Picture taken from here: http://thresca.tumblr.com/post/615254065)

Ngoan

I put you on the shelf.
I brought you to the only window in my office, so that you can get some sunlight. I think you like sunlight, just like me.

Uhm.
I'm not very confident.
But I'll try to keep you as long as possible.

Please don't leave me, will ya?

the ocean inside

1.
2. Today when I woke up, I saw the new day's sunlight in the perfect shade of peachy pink.

Try to imagine how beautiful it was, though I don't think you can anyway.

3. I changed my blog description to "The vast ocean inside the little Rim". I've always thought everyone is a complicated world that the others can never hope to fully understand. I don't think even I can fully understand myself.

People are strange. Weird. Mysterious. Deep.

But beautiful.

4. Sometimes it's enough to have one person to remember when everyone else forget about you.

Thanks.

Yet another quote :P

"A mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and in all things, and who walks humbly and deals charitably with the circumstances of life, knowing that in this world no one is all knowing and therefore all of us need both love and charity."

- Eleanor Roosevelt -

Basically it's about being understanding and open minded.

I know this kind of things is hard to define, and this is not absolutely true. Each of you will have different definition of "being mature", but personally I like this one :)

A quote

"All any of us wanted, really, was to know that we counted. That someone else's life would not have been as rich without us here."
— Jodi Picoult (Handle with Care)

Maybe it's not so extreme as "all any of us wanted". But I'm glad that my presence made a difference in some people's life.

(although erm, looking back, I'm unable to see why and how :| I didn't really do anything much practically :| but let's just believe so?)

my broken smile.

I'm fine now. Not too good, but fine.

I guess I just got bored with being emo. Bored.

The hell with that. The hell with all the uncertainties and sense of belonging and loneliness and all those superficial touchy-feely stuffs.

Other people around me are going through their personal hells all alone. I'm just one of them. I'm just a statistic. And I don't bother to be sth else. I cannot be any different anw.

I don't necessarily have to be sad.

Biting the bullet has become a habit. Again, I had to be the one that told myself "Everything is gonna be fine". Maybe it's not going to be great, nor fantastic, nor wonderful, but fine enough. You can say it's self deceiving, I call it self sufficient. Just wonder whether it would lead to "internal injuries"?
Just wonder why can't I allow myself to be weak?
Maybe I'm not brave enough.

"You need to be strong to stand alone. But sometimes you need to be brave to lean on others"

Or maybe I don't want anyone to have to carry the weight of my own emotions.

My smile is broken. It's not perfect. But nothing is perfect, isnt it?

Suddenly want to go somewhere, just to get away for a moment...

Super tired today.

Have a good day, everyone.

I guess I cannot hide.

You reminded me of my greatest fear, sth that I have to face alone. Sth that I've been running away from, and tried not to look at it. But I know that it's always been there. All the time.

It's also sth that, more than anything, more than ever, made me realize this one obvious painful fact of my life: I have always been alone. There's no way to sugarcoat it. No matter what, there won't be anyone. Not anyone. I have to be in this all alone. All alone. And to tell the truth, I'm not that brave, I'm not that wise, I'm not that mature. I get scared.

It hurt me to no end. I feel like I'm drowning.

Or,I feel like I'm deep down in a well where no one could find.

Let me grieve. Just let me. Because I need to cry so badly, please don't try to stop me.

Can anyone please tell me that they will be beside me, no matter what? that they won't just leave me?

or that everything will be okay, in the end?

Can anyone please tell me that?

But I'm just afraid that after you tell me all those I want to hear, I look into your eyes and I can only see all the lies...

How sad is that?

Can I just close my eyes and sleep away my life?

Why do I have to grow up? Be strong?

Sorry, Linh. You thought that I'm always cheerful and positive. I'm not. Don't look at me.

...

[edited]
Sorry. My fault. I shouldn't have said anything right from the start. I also don't need you to understand. Not many people do anw.

*I'm not very creative with titles.*

1. Linh,

You used to complain that, although you said you miss me quite a lot of times, I only said that to you once. Well, sometimes I'm really careful with my words. Sometimes I want to say sth and mean it wholeheartedly, I want to say sth and feel it deeply, so much that it's the only thing filling my heart. So much that the feeling is "almost undeniable. It was crystal clear. As if it was written on some big screen flashing right in front of me with black font on white background, with font size at 142pt and I couldn't turn my face anywhere else."

There, that kind of feeling.

And you know what, today I went cycling at ECP today, and it reminded me of you.

And I want to say this to you "I miss you a lot" :D

2. I think one of the reasons why I'm afraid to get close to people is that I don't want ppl to be worried about me...

I don't want to become anyone's burden.

3. Looking at all the upcoming stuffs...

- Wushu next week: learning sword

- Outing next weekend (TBC)

- Dinner with my cousin next weekend (TBC)

- Wushu camp next next weekend (erm. No excuse this time :|)

- Haagen Dazs with Hui Jun next next next weekend (yay! I mean, I dont care whether we can split or not, it is freaking Haagen Dazs that I'm talking about! XD)

Exciting huh?

4. When you said that you felt lonely, I could understand. But when you said that you felt like your existence didn't matter, it was totally unexpected to me.

Maybe it's because I've always thought of you as a more "secure" person. Confident and self-assured. But then I realized that sometimes it's just not easy. Just like that song "Superman", right? And I know, you are not even Superman. None of us are, anw.

But also, another reason for my surprise was that it's so NOT true to me. I found it so obvious, so clearly apparent that your existence does matter, and how come you couldn't see it?!

That's why I was so surprised.

Anw, jia you :)

On Sputnik Sweetheart

I've been writing this for a while, and nothing came out quite right. It is the experience, the feeling as whole that I'm missing here. It's sth vast, blurry that wraps around you when you read it, and pinpointing it is just impossible.

Giving it a try anyway. Coz I think you, Pearl, may want to check it out.

Okay, gotta admit. I’m a sucker for writing style, rather than the plot. Haven’t read much of Haruki’s works, but I love how Sputnik Sweetheart is beautifully and emotionally written. A haunting melancholy penetrates everything, the story flowed smoothly like a river of emotions, still yet deep, quiet yet somehow overwhelming.

I like how Sumire loves. Agreed, she’s a lesbian. But her love is so pure, so strong, so brave, so passionate. She follows her heart till the end, goes with the flow, even when it means that she has to step into another world that she knows nothing about, even when it means that she has to be gone forever in this world. As if that love was a tornado, sweeping her away and making her vanish. Like smoke. Like smoke.

But above all, the deepest impression that Sputnik Sweetheart left in me is the loneliness. The sense of longing and solitude are just so strong. All of its characters have this special intense yearning for each other, yet each of them is still isolated. All alone. Like a satellite, following its own orbit in this vast university.

Seems like Haruki’s got some kind of obsession with loneliness (or is it just my feeling?). Personally I guess that's the reason why he likes the image of wells. The idea of being in the deep darkness, totally isolated from the outside world, exhausted from crying and shouting hopelessly. It's the worst kind of loneliness.

All in all, the prose is simple yet elegant, quiet yet emotional. The characters are lively and compelling (at least to me). A sweet and lovely book. But I just wish that there were no "surrealism" part. Totally enjoyed it until the creepy part when Miu saw erm, herself? :| :| :|

Today I went to sign the new broadband contract with my housemates. When we were asked to think of an user ID, my housemates told me to choose: "just put anything, not important". I wrote "Sputnik", and that just freaked the hell out of my dear housemates. "WTH, so lame, so nerdy" were their reactions but I didn't care (I could read the thoughts from their look "Silly us, why did we let this weirdo get to choose?! ").

Anw, I just love the sound of it.

Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?

(...)

I closed my eyes and listened carefully for the descendants of sputnik, even now circling the earth, gravity their only tie to the planet. Lonely metal souls in the unimpeded darkness of space, they meet, pass each other, and part, never to meet again. No words passing between them. No promises to keep.

No promises to keep.

PS: to whom it may concern (especially you, Hui Jun)... I'm totally fine and NOT emo :)) you don't have to SMS me at midnight to ask me why and how and what and so on :))

Will I see you again?

1. I saw a FB post of Bernadette's friend on her wall, telling her not to stay here forever because they miss her.

But we also miss her, don't we?

Branko left, Jon left, Ji Ye left, and Bernadette will leave. Although this makes me sound like a total emotional wreck, it is the truth to say that thinking of all the farewells almost brought me to the verge of tears.

I look at the world map where SK tagged everyone.

The world has shrunk small enough to bring people from everywhere to come here with us. But to me, it's still so damn big. It's still too big for all of us to be with each other forever, isn't it?

I miss people. I like them and I miss them, more than I thought.

2. I progressed to unit 11 of speaking Russian and already felt like I'm losing my motivation. It is getting too fast to catch and both the pronunciation and the grammar is seriously crazy. Most importantly, I have no one to ask questions and practice with :|

But maybe all of those are just my lame excuses.

I guess I failed you :( Sorry for making you disappointed.

3. I'm thinking, maybe I just needed to tell you so that I have someone to watch me, someone to hear my words that I'm going to stop the game :|

"Once deleted, profile data is not recoverable. Are you sure you want to delete this record?"

=)

1. People are coming back from holiday! I had lunch with Hui Jun, and then had dinner with Yuanlu. They all told me interesting stories about their trip. Been missing you guys so much haha.

Yes. I am seriously happy now. *making a serious face*

2. I think the way I sleep is really weird :|

This morning my room mate said sorry to me because her colleague called at around 2am last night and woke me up.

The thing is, I cannot remember such a thing :| My room mate claimed that we both woke up, and I DID sit up, trying to look for the phone and turn it off :|

Last night Connie's msg coming at 1AM also didn't manage to leave any impression in my mind :|

It's not the first time, though.

I used to wake up, answer a phone call, come back to sleep, and the next morning I looked at my Call history feeling puzzled and couldn't fathom why I had an answered call. My friend who called later told me that I did answer the call normally :|

But having 5 people trying to wake me up was really embarrassing, I guess +_+ and it happened to be one of the "highlights" of the Cameron trip +_+

(see, that time I wanted to wake up, that's why I did. You really think that your sms was so powerful that it could wake me up meh? Nah, not so easily. Not unless I let it :P so you don't have feel guilty or sorry for anything ok?)

3. Talking about all the funny things that happened during the trip, suddenly I remember some hilarious quotes during our werewolf game, think I should share them here :))

Jing Yuan's sister: *point to Bernadette* She's the werewolf, I know...
Bernadette: why do you say so?
Jing Yuan's sister: *mystic voice* your eyes.... your look....
Bernadette: errr =,=
Ah Piao: ehhh that's personal attack! =))

Or this:

Rim: Oh I know I know, Jie Ye is my lover, she will believe me. *turn to Ji Ye with hope*
Ji Ye: No, I'm not your lover.
Rim: eh??? what??? @___@
Ji Ye: I'm single, I'm single *close her eyes in an I'm-not-going-to-change-my-mind kind of way*
Rim: errr =,= :|

4. You don't have to worry about me, okay? :P Don't want to add in to all those you have to take care of :)

:|

*written yesterday, but well... you should know how stupid my home network is...*

1. Every once in a while, on a day like today (ya... rainy days almost always manage to make me feel down), things won't turn out quite right for me. Everything would slip out of its place a little bit.

The files weren't finalized coz of some stupid small details that I missed out, the bank account was disabled because I keyed in the wrong PIN 3 times, one bus took too long to come, another bus passed me by because it was too full, the queue at Shop n Save got frighteningly long, I ordered a new dish for a change and found it totally the kind of thing I would hate: disgustingly oily and piercingly spicy (I felt my guts burned up).

And when I walked home alone under the mild rain, I don't know why I started feeling small and miserable and self-pity (blame the weather, blame the weather!).

In times like this, I would start thinking of how it would feel to have a home to go back to, with someone inside waiting for you...

Sometimes I would need to feel that I DO matter.
Nvm, I guess I do. Just not that I'm aware of maybe? Jeez, okay forget it, it's not even a big deal anw :))

And one more thing. How can I ask to be an important someone in anyone's life, when I can't answer whether you are that important to me?

Haha, I start to think that maybe the rainwater must have some kind of chemicals that just won't work with the chemistry of my body/brain/blood/whatever that determines my mood.

The best thing is that even in my lowest point, I always know it would eventually go up again, and hence no point making a fuss.

Peace, everyone.

2. Tien Eu, thank you, I appreciate that.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't join the game despite what you did.

Then I realize that I was too ignorant. I unconsciously did what I hate ppl to do to me: making assumptions even though I didn't know enough. Too subjective.

But I'm glad you made me realize that :)

3. Erm. Just random. Listening to music, and it's coming to the song "Uniquely you".

Cameron Highlands

Finished my lunch early, finished my file early and now here I am, blogging while waiting for the file to be approved :">

Last week I had a surprisingly fun trip, which exceeded my expectation. Actually, we basically had totally no expectation :| I was hesitated. I was not very sure whether I should go. But then, somehow, after a lot of pushing from a lot of people and under a lot of special circumstances, finally I found myself sitting on the bus, still very much blurred about how I got to sit there in the first place.
(I caught myself in this kind of confusion when I was on my latest trip back to Vietnam :|)

But I'm glad that I was there. (sometimes it's good to be a pushover huh? XD)

There were a lot of memorable things about this trip that I have no intention to write down (at least I won't do that HERE :P somewhere else, maybe). I don't think my words can effectively recreate the experiences that the trip gave me. Even if I try, that would be a huge letdown. So let's just keep it to myself.

However, if you are really curious about how wonderful the place is, truth is: I'm not very sure. I used to say in my blog: "it doesn't matter where I'm going. Who I'm going with is more important." It still holds true for this trip. I'm really thankful to all of my Sputniks =) You guys are a bunch of nice and fun people to hang around with.

:)

1. I realize that there are still a lot of things that I dare not do. Actions and words are dangerous, because people often seek meanings behind them, and hence seemingly small random actions/words can lead to unexpected consequences. I'm not saying those consequences are always bad, but I don't like surprises that much.

As much as I want to take down all the walls built around my heart, making it an open space, freeing my thoughts, I'm afraid of the risk of being misunderstood.

People have always been expecting to see walls, haven't they? Can't blame. I'm no different from them.

PS: Funny. Suddenly I remember hearing about someone's "air of secrecy". That sounds really cool, but isn't it the total opposite of me? :)) Okay, I guess I can never really act cool =))

2. So, Linh, yes, I meant it. I know it's hard, and I know you feel skeptical

"would you be able to do what you told me to, if you were me?"

Yes, I would.
I know there are a lot of situations that we cannot say for sure what we would do if it hadn't really happened to us, but this time I'm sure.

Don't you worry, you've got my words. I'm with you in this, ok? I hope you would trust me, as you have always did. I cannot be with you and hold your hands, but you know I would always support you.

And everyone is worried about you, dear. Be a good girl, okay? ;)

Little tiny elephant

1. So I took a short nap in the club room. I wanted to sleep. I was sleepy, but it was not the reason why I wanted to sleep.

I woke up, and found that the thoughts, the feelings still lingered around me like smoke. I tried to shake them off, unsuccessfully though.

Now thinking back, I don't know whether you meant it, or whether I heard wrongly. But at that point, I thought you did.

So... maybe it didn't totally dissolve into nothingness.

Anyway, it doesn't matter *shrug*

2.

Quote of the day:

Rim: Ay yo, you are like my mom already. Don't want to let me go back from Malaysia alone :))
Hui Jun: But Ah Piao also thinks that you shouldn't go alone mah. So does it make him... your dad?
Rim: =)) =)) =))

Okay HJ, you made my dad , oops, I mean my day =))

Actually,I'm thinking, if it makes you my mom, and him my dad, then what would it make the two of you? :))

Thoughts in darkness

*written a few days back but couldn't publish due to network failure*

1. Sitting in the dark.

Have you ever tried it?

No, I'm not emo or anything. I'm perfectly calm and normal, if not rather contented.

Most of the time, I prefer light. Bright clean clear light. Brilliant sunshine. Those are what I like. But sometimes, I find darkness comforting, in the way that it eliminates all the unnecessary. I won't have to see all those distracting things. The table, the chairs, the TV, the cupboard, the staircase? Why the hell should they matter? The only thing I would get to see is this darkness. And that way, I can focus on the more essential. Myself, in other words.

Like now.

The only thing I see is the screen, and even the screen is dim. Everything is peaceful enough. The only sound is from the clock, ticking ever so patiently. Beside me sits silently my favorite drink, cold jasmine green tea, in my favorite cup, Xuki's gift.

And everything seems far away. Far enough.

2. Do you often do this? Being in the dark, calmly, all by yourself, eyes wide open, listening to your own breaths?
Do many of you do this?
Once in a while, one of my housemates would pass by and ask "why don't you turn on the light?" and I would asnwer "I don't want to",and he would give me a strange look.

"Do you look at me as a very weird girl?"

The thought of being a bit "abnormal" gives me a strange feeling. Lonely, that's it. Like walking on an empty road, all by yourself. Life is a long journey. Wouldn't it be lonely if you have to walk through it all alone?

"You're unique =)"

Again, thank you. I appreciate that.

I could remember when I was really small, I wanted to be like others, to be similar to my friends (remember the last time when you wanted sth just because all your friends had it? :P). When I grew up a little bit more, I wanted to be considered as "special", wanted to stand out from the crowd, wanted to be different from the rest.

But now?

Now I don't want to care anymore. Now I feel uniqueness is such an overrated idea, the idea that advertising industry exploits exhaustively to sell their products. What's wrong with being ordinary, if it allows you to be yourself? Why have to try so hard to be unique, when you are not? What's the meaning of it, if being unique means that you don't dare to do sth you want, just because everyone else is doing it and you want to be different?

Is being ordinary such a shame?

Whatever. As long as you can be truly yourself, why should it matter whether you are different or not?

I don't really need to be normal, or unique, or extraodinary, or awesome, or legendary. I just want to do whatever I wish to do.

:|

What I consider normal, people think it's weird.
What I consider weird, people think it's normal.

I guess this world is too diverse to have anything that we can deem "common". And hence, "common sense" is a myth :|

I won't believe my sense anymore, nor would I believe anyone's sense for that matter :|

What happened?

So here I am, sitting at a place that I still don't know why I'm here. Everything is fuzzy and confusing.

I wonder if K felt the same way when he was waiting for his flight to find Sumire. I think I could understand the feeling now.

The only thing I can be sure is that nothing serious happened, judging from the way people talk. But then how can I justify this? How can I justify the crazy price I paid to be here? How come everyone refuses to tell me the reason for this?

The weather is crazily hot.

My broken Russian

Some of my friends know that I used to be able to speak a lil bit of Russian.
A few know that I want to pick up Russian again (spoken only, written Russian is too troublesome).

Mom called yesterday. I tried using some Russian words I've just learnt to talk to her. Well, she forgot most of her Russian. I told her "I think my Russian now is even better than yours". Reasonably, it's been more than 10 years since the last time she used the language (and I think my terrible memory is genetic).

Today I opened my mailbox and saw her mail.

Моя дочка. Я очень люблю тебяю.

I thought I forgot everything about written Russian. But when I opened this mail, by the first glance I could understand. Without using Google Translate, of course.

And I also know that she didn't use Google Translate to write this. Mom, you made a mistake. It's "тебя", not "тебяю". Where got "тебяю"? Ay yo.

Mom, you are both unpredictable and predictable, do you know that? I bet you don't. Anw, it doesn't matter, because Я тоже люблю тебя :)

:| maybe I'm weird

"Common sense is supposed to be common"
Yes, that's what I said. But now looking back at myself, I think my own "common sense" is screwed somehow :|

I have been asked "are you crazy?" a lot of time recently, by many people. Some don't ask, but they either use this emoticon ":O", or look at me in horror/shock (which ridiculously resemble the emoticon)

I started to think I have to re-assess what I deem as "normal". Seem like not many people share my definition of "normal" :|

But really, I didn't know it's THAT crazy in people's eyes. Everyone said I'm crazy, but I honestly don't know why (and hence, honestly confused). I couldn't figure out why it was such a big problem. People explained, but I didn't understand :|

Am I weird?

Or too naive?

Or tend to overlook things?

:P

"If you are happy, I'm happy being with you"

The moment I saw this quote, I just couldn't help wondering "then what if I'm not happy? You don't want to be with me?"

I guess I tend to be fault-finding at times :"> but it's really fun!

Or this popular quote:

"Aim for the moon. Even if you miss it, you may hit a star"

Really? Are you sure? I thought the Moon is much easier to hit? Consider the distance between the Earth and the moon, then the distance between the Earth and any other star. Even if by "a star" you mean the Sun (the nearest star, obviously), it's still much much much much much father than the Moon.

How can you hit any star if you cannot hit even the moon?

See how fun it is? To find faults with what people say? :"> But I mean no harm, really. So next time you talk to me and I'm too critical with what you say, please don't be offended :P I was just joking hahah

Prologue.

*This post is to give you an idea what I did yesterday :)) I copied it from my notebook ;)*

It's a bit cold here, so I take out the scarf and wrap around myself. "That should do it", I think, feeling all contented.

Then I open my newly bought notebook. The big glass wall in front of me, sunlight all around me, the hot cup of chamomile tea and the piece of cranberry cake beside me... I start to write.

This is how I start this new diary of mine.

Very possibly, it would be filled with my inexplicable thoughts and feelings, those I cannot pinpoint or express clearly, things that I don't know how to tell others, for I'm afraid that they won't understand and will misunderstand. No, people won't understand. And everyone judges. Including myself.

But, also equally possibly, this diary just might as well be filled with rubbish :| Random thoughts, whatever that comes to my mind. Can be a stupid quote that I saw somewhere, can be my rant about how tasteless is the cake, can be some "personal opinion" about the girl sitting next to me ("I don't like her dress at all")... In one word, rubbish.

Ok. What now?

So, very likely this diary would be sth weekly, sth for me to scribble when I have time to sit here at the 4th level, facing the light, watching the birds, enjoying the sky. Nothing much, really.

Gosh, my diary has just started and it's already filled with rubbish, content-wise and look-wise. I didn't even write my name at the 1st page, which is sth I always do with new notebooks. I also didn't care about writing carefully and beautifully, which is, again, unusual considering that I'm writing in a newly bought notebook...

I'm being random AGAIN (blame "The elephant vanishes" please, it's infected me with its extreme randomness)

But wait, what am I doing? I didn't think of coming here to write actually. I thought of sitting here to enjoy the sun and a cake and a book. Even when I bought this notebook, I didn't think of using it as a diary either (hello, as if I cannot open just another blog and set it private?). I wanted to use it to write down parts that I like in the book.

You see, I didn't have a slightest idea of writing here my own thoughts.

Until I opened the notebook. And faced its smooth creamy white blank pages, as smooth as a piece of cheese cake. With the pen in my hand.

Thoughts just came, uninvitedly, like an obsession that has been hiding for too long, waiting for its first chance to come to light. And I wrote.

"It's a bit cold here"

Obviously, I have totally forgotten about whatever I wanted to do at first. That's how it started.

Ok, my tea is getting cold. Still not a single sight of my "complicated thoughts".

Haiz. Nvm... I won't pretend to be a fool anymore. I know very well that they are still here, they didn't go anywhere. It is me who didn't write them out. It is me who didn't let them have a chance to surface. Maybe I should do it, now. After all, it's supposed to be the ultimate purpose of this diary, isn't it?

And I turn to the next page.

Eat, Pray, Love.

*I finished this book some time ago, but have been delaying writing a reflection :P Not because that I don't like the book, I'm just in my lazy phase :P *

The book is about a journey to find a way back to happiness.
That's a very feminine journey ;). Also bravely, almost shamelessly truthful.

What's special about this book is that it's almost like a happy-ending fairy tale, where our female protagonist emerged from loss, depress and destruction to gradually crawl back to happiness, step by step. As dreamy as it seems, this book is a memoir, hence it's supposed to be a real story told by a real person, not a touchy feely fictional love story. And so, it provides some kind of believable assurance that it's totally possible to find your own happiness, no matter what happened to your life.

I totally enjoyed the 1st part (Eat :">). The 3rd part (Love) is also good.
I won't say that the 2nd part (Pray) is unbearable, but it's a lil bit too... spiritual? And too many details about Indian religion, praying and meditation, Yoga and Guru etc... It's still quite nice, but gets a lil bit dry sometimes.

Truth is, Faith itself is not easy to "teach". Maybe it's not supposed to be "taught" after all, at least not via a book. But Liz did try her best to put her experiences across , and I respect her for that.

*Added: The movie rights for this book have been purchased, and Julie Roberts is gonna play the main character. Wow, I seriously cannot think of a better choice of actress =D Looking forward to it!

Lunch time incidents

1. Went for lunch alone today. At Alumni House.

Was sitting alone, enjoying my not-very-nice spaghetti when I saw my old classmate. I raised my hand to wave him, but he didn't respond.

I can't say that we were best friends, but at least we know each other (we shared the same class, didn't we?)

"Hmm. Maybe he just didn't see me", I thought. And he was sitting with someone else anyway. All other time I saw him, he was almost always alone. "Seems like you are doing well", I smiled to myself, feeling all good and forgiving. It's hard not to be forgiving when Life seems to be pretty good with everyone, no?

After finishing my lunch, I tried waving him again. This time, he looked directly at my direction, seeing me, and... turned away :| Isn't it weird? I decided to come over.

And not until I was merely about 2m away from him did I realize that I ...actually didn't know this guy at all.

T_T

Yes, today I left my specs in the office. T_T How embarrassing T_T

2. Suddenly you called. I didn't want to pick up. But I did, against my better judgment and against my own experience (I saved ur number as "Not to pick up", I should have just listened to myself).
I thought maybe, just maybe, you have sth important to say, this time. Or if not, at least sth that makes sense. Maybe I should be fair to you, this time.

I was so wrong.

Why do you have to bother me and interrupt my Russian lesson with you whining about waking up late for your presentation?

I was so surprised, yet I still even tried to say sth brief to you (sorry, that's my best try of being polite. Guess I failed). But then you kept going on and on about how the presentation went.

Now if you are close to me, or who I do care about, I wouldn't mind. I would set aside everything, and listen to your complaint about anything. But I'm sorry, I cannot do it for just everyone, or else I would go crazy caring about tiny issues of mere acquaintances.

And I cannot help you to change your grades either. So what's the point?

Or did we suddenly become so close overnight without me knowing?! T_T

... Lazy mind

1. Just when I was considering spending my next weekend at home doing nothing, Tinyl-The-Annoying-Guy asked me whether I want to go for coffee this Sat.

Well...
Being Tinyl, he sure knows places with nice ambiance, and I always have a thing for beautiful coffee shops (frankly, who doesn't?). So I told him, even if I join him, I wouldn't want to talk much. If he doesnt mind it, I'd love to go.

Actually, even before saying that, I already knew for sure that Tinyl, of all people, wouldn't mind it at all. As annoying as he is, Tinyl doesn't give much a damn about anything, and that actually turns out to be almost pleasant sometimes.

We would just simply go together, share the same bus and sit at the same table. And then each of us would be free to do whatever we want. I know he would read. He has almost always carried around a book as long as I know him. Well, I know i'm in no position to laugh at that :)) Reading an interesting book while hiding away from the crowded noisy life in a small corner of a cozy coffee shop has always been my fantasy, my dream, my love.

Such a way to enjoy life.

2. I'm not always like this, but these days I've been a lil bit lazier than usual. (haiz, I'm coming to a strange stage when I'm even lazy to blog :)) )

Lazy to think of what to say, that's it.

You can just talk, I won't mind listening to your stories, I may even enjoy them. Or if you want, you can choose to stay silent, I won't push you.
Just don't push me, and that's all, we are good.

Hm. How nice it is, don't you think? As long as people all know what to expect and what's expected of them, things would become crystal clear and pleasant.
The problem is that sometimes people are unsure about what they want. Even if they know, they don't always make it clear to others T___T

I hate having to guess. I'm good at guessing, but I just don't want to.

"The end"

1.

"The end"

"The end of what?"

"Of the conversation loh"

I was thinking about the end of sth else... So when you said that, I was startle a bit.

Anw, thanks for being okay with me being silent, I appreciate that a lot :) It feels comforting.

2. Lately I've been kinda lazy. Tired of all the social interactions.

So those that are interested in asking me to hang out with you, bear with me that I might be lazy to talk.

3. Want to go to a park...

4. Think I've got some kind of "Me-time" crisis :))

*mumbling to self*

1. I feel that keeping myself balanced has become more and more important.

Trying here.

2. my nails are disgusting by now =,= and my room mate has fallen asleep before I could ask for the nail polish remover :|

Well, one day with these colorful nails wouldn't kill me, I guess.

3. "Ignorance is bliss"

But does anyone want to be ignorant? And I'm not a kid anymore...

Dilemma. And I honestly don't expect to solve it soon.

4. Except for extremely exciting places or extremely boring places, I think it doesn't matter where I'm going. Who I'm going with is more important.

Maybe that's just because I'm really TOO easy? But I won't be bothered by that.

totally random thought. Dont be bothered plz

I don't know.
But I don't want to be referred to as "a girl".

I know I'm just an ordinary person, nothing special and all. Not an overachiever, or an achiever for that matter. Nothing.

But I don't really want to be referred to as "a girl". If possible, I would prefer to be just simply "a person". Simplicity at its best.

Strip me off of my gender, my status, my look, my background, or whatever that made ppl think they know me before they really get to know me. Strip me off of them please.

Strip me off of them, so that I would be left as just a blank paper, without any decorations that can distract you from seeing who I am.

And then you can gradually fill in that blank paper, when you start to sit down and read me. It may not be anything fanciful, may be even boring, but you get to see me as I am.

Fill in that blank paper with my actions, my thoughts, my personality, my mind. Can be my laughters, my jokes, my words. Can be my memories, my experiences. Can be what I choose, what I like, what I adore, what I respect, and what I love.

I am defined by myself.

PS: this thought is a result of a question that I'm asked "are you sure you are a girl or not?" :|

You know how it feels, right?

"The first day of the rest of your life" is beautiful.

I don't want to give any lengthy review here, since it won't do the film any justice (I tried, thou. If only you know how many times I typed sth and deleted it right away. Words failed me).

But I just want to make a small comment on the film's choice of soundtrack. I really cannot figure out how they could think of choosing the song "Just a perfect day" for such a scene. But it's simply brilliant. When the song started playing, I was stunned. It fitted perfectly. Sweetly. Painfully.

You know how it feels, right? You know a scene touches you deeply when you have that weird feeling in your stomach. Butterflies or whatever inside you is waken up.
You know how it feels, right?

Now, don't believe me. Don't believe my words here. Just go and check it out yourself.

"The first day of the rest of your life"

1.

"The first day of the rest of your life".

The first time this phrase caught my attention was when I watched "Adaptation".

Then yesterday I watched another movie with exactly this title, and I put it on my status.
A friend asked me what it means and whether it is someone's birthday. I told her "No, this applies for anyone, and any day"

Everyday is the first day of the rest of your life. It's a fact.

Now tell me. Would you wake up every morning with that thought in your mind? The thought that today, like any other day, may just as well be the fresh start of a part of your life, of sth totally new?

Everyday is a new start. It's a fact. It's not a philosophy.

2. Now that the post above reminded me about Adaptation...

Can remember that it was recommended to me by Frog (jeez, just another geeky guy XD )

Ok, firstly, it's not suitable for impatient people :| (Allan asked me after 20 minutes into the movie: "how can you like such a boring and sleepy movie?" T___T)

But if you want sth strange, sth that intrigues you, try this please. It is a very different movie, smart and original. If you have watched "Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind" or "Being John Malkovich", you would expect the same level of originality from this whimsical scriptwriter.

Acting wise, you've got Nicolas Cage, you've got Meryl Streep and you've got a guy that won an Oscar for his supporting role in this movie (I don't remember his name, sorry XD). So, I think I won't need to describe the acting here.

Script wise, it's weird and crazy. And got a whole lots of quotes that I like so much.

Lastly, it's got a lot of interesting trivia facts that you don't get to see in the movie itself, but at that time I liked it so much that I went Google it XD. To name a few interesting trivia:

- The script writer actually wrote himself into the script, accompanied by a fictitious twin brother.

- The credits include this twin brother as the co-writer, and the movie is dedicated "In loving memory" of Donald (the name of the imaginary twin brother).

- And because the credits include this imaginary scriptwriter, he was also nominated for a Golden Globe and an Oscar, despite the fact that he doesn't exist at all :| and "Academy made it known that, in the event of a victory, the two brothers would have to share one statue." Well, they didn't win, but if they did, I don't know how they would share the prize :))

Diary of a wimpy kid (or Stories of Rim's life, chapter n)

1. My FB status is "Keep forgetting to press "send" after composing sms and then wonder why ppl don't reply me"
Most people comment that it's so Rim.

My room mate: "no it's not Rim. Rim won't even bring her phone to begin with" =,=

Being forgetful is such a disaster :|

2. I wanted to renew the book that I didnt have time to read, and encountered this message:

You cannot renew items because:
* You owe too much money

Such a shame T___T and it was only 1 dollar :((

3. "Net gain"

True. In this time of terrible "points inflation", 5 points is virtually nothing. Yet it's still "net gain", isn't it?

Again, all the second-best to ya.

Ugly truth.

Someone has told me that she always feels insecure, because she's always afraid that someday her friends will leave her, or will not like her anymore.

Well, I guess this is one of those more popular problems of girls huh? It's okay to feel so, don't worry, coz most girls I know have this feelings. And mind you, I have a friend like Linh, arguably the most insecure creature on the entire planet Earth =)) You are really no match to her, so no need to worry =)) If I can handle her, there's no one I cannot handle :"> (Linh, sorry, I'm just telling the truth :"> it might be ugly, but it's still the truth)

Then I take a good look at myself. If I follow her definition, truth is, I think I won't be any better :P.

But people didn't know that. Simply because I made myself comfortable with that feeling.

Yep, that's true.

I don't know if saying this would upset my friends, but I always think that people will leave me, eventually. I'm almost certain about that. To such an extend that subconsciously I always prepare myself for that. I try hard not to be too dependent on anyone, in case the person leave me. My question is not whether people will leave me, but when. And I would calmly wait for it.

I'm all like, "You know how to find me. I'm always here whenever you need me. But if you don't, or if you've got somebody else with you, well, good for you then. I'm gonna be okay".
I'm not too happy, of course. I'm sad when I have no one to turn to. But if people want to leave me, I don't think there's anything I can do about that anyway. Either they change and I cannot keep up with it, or I change and they cannot accept it. In any case, there's not much I can do. On my side, I myself cannot say for sure that I will just stay still forever, so who am I to judge? Everyone moves on. And so be it.

I'm always prepared to be a lonely person. That's how I keep myself cool.

Now I'm afraid of myself. Will I be able to really feel deeply attached to anyone, ever again? Or will I be like this forever, "floating" in the middle of nowhere, trying to be brave, telling myself that I'm totally fine being alone, that I can survive by myself and won't need anyone beside me?

Well, we all are fundamentally alone anyway, ain't we?

*Not until now that I can fully realize the effect of what happened that day... The strong yet naive courage to completely and wholeheartedly trust someone has shattered since the day, when I sat outside at that staircase with my dying laptop, unable to utter a word, shaking with disbelief and cold with fear.

But I don't really regret. Maybe it's better this way, when I can always leave a possibility for people to change. Because that's life and life changes.

If you ever read my blog, then hey, i'm not blaming you, so don't need to feel bad :P